Remember to Use Protection When Holding Hands
by unmemeurdreams
Summary: In the direct aftermath of the Popularity Poll Arc, Yamazaki and Shinpachi are stuck together on the run - and end up in an awkward situation.


**EDIT 5/3/19: Pandemonium is mentioned in this fic. Somehow it took me until a rewatch almost a year later to remember that the Shikigami arc takes place after the Popularity Poll arc... Whoops. Welp... It's Gintama fic, so I guess try not to think about it too hard. If it helps, imagine your favourite tsukkomi telling me off for messing up the timeline. Find it in your heart to forgive me, Sorachi...**  
 **-**

 **The lack of content for this pairing made me sad and the Popularity Poll Arc inspired me, so here's a fic ;;**

 **...Yamazaki's age is whatever it is in your heart, OK? OK. (I left it ambiguous here)**

 **Warning for mutual dubcon.**

* * *

" _U_ _gh..._ "

Following their untimely roof-throwing, Shinpachi and Yamazaki lay where they'd fallen on their backs on the hard concrete, twitching in pain.

"I can't... feel... my anything."

"Same here..."

It was Shinpachi who managed to sit up first after a few minutes, carefully and painstakingly, reaching out a hand to the other to help him do the same.

"Are you all right?"

His eyes widening a little at the hand in front of him, Yamazaki forgot the ache in his back for a moment to blink in confusion at the kind action. His Yorozuya counterpart was smiling and acting like he'd forgiven him completely, or at least put everything that happened aside. Though he couldn't help but feel a little uneasy about it (suspicion was his job), as well as slightly guilty about the other's reaction to his reveal, Yamazaki knew Shinpachi-kun seemed like a good kid and was unlikely to be the type to hold grudges.

Accepting the hand offered to him, Yamazaki winced at first as he tried to move his legs and lift his body up. With some extra help from Shinpachi, though, he soon managed it.

"Ow, ow, ow..." Yamazaki rubbed at his back in an effort to help the pain, though laughing through it to try and make it less obvious. "I-It's OK, I'm fine... I'm a lot sturdier than I look."

"You sure about that? I thought I heard something snap," Shinpachi returned, narrowing his eyes in disbelief. "Ah, well... Don't worry. We'll probably heal off-screen in no time, right?"

Yamazaki stared into space as he remembered the time everyone thought he was dead until he made a sudden recovery and showed up at his own funeral. The possibility wasn't too far-fetched...

Absentmindedly, they both looked up in the air above their heads to see that their rankings were still there, and their faces lit up with sadistic glee.

"We're still number one."

"Take that, you bastards."

"It's almost enough to make me forget about the pain in my – owww, hold that thought..."

"W-Wait a second." They were both sitting on the open street right now, Shinpachi realised. Thinking back to earlier, seeing that 1st place ranking above his head made him balk in horror. "Yamazaki-san, we might not be safe down here, we should get out of here before –"

Before Shinpachi could finish his sentence, the two of them were surrounded in an instant by a large crowd of civilians leering down at them with murderous looks.

"There they are. You're the ones, right? The bastards who started this whole mess. Execute them, and we'll all become number one!"

Slowly, both Jimis turned towards each other.

"O...Oi, Shinpachi-kun."

"...Right, Yamazaki-san."

" _Let's get the hell out of here!"_

* * *

 _Pant, pant, pant..._

How long had they been running, exactly? The sun had nearly set, and darkness was spreading through the streets as the two of them stood doubled over panting in an alleyway, exhausted. It seemed like everywhere they turned, there were more rabid faceless background extras ready to pounce.

Neither felt like finding out what fate would await them if they tried returning to their respective homes, either – especially since they'd both ended that whole ordeal with their rankings both in first place. While they were both more than used to receiving a hard time, they could only imagine the horror of going through the combined fury of their respective 'comrades'... And in Shinpachi's case, he couldn't count on Aneue's place being the safest option - she'd transformed into a mastermind of war at the first sign of blood in the water!

"What should... we do now?" Shinpachi asked as soon as he'd caught his breath enough to speak again, leaning against a wall for support. "Even homeless bums are out to get us, so we can't stay in a place like this for too long..."

An unfortunate noise came from Yamazaki's back as he stood up straight, wincing and rubbing the still-sore spot. "There has to be somewhere we can hide." His gaze drifted up towards the building they had their backs against and he spotted something, eyes widening.

"...Eh? What is it, Yamazaki-san?"

Scratching his neck awkwardly in way of a response, Yamazaki's eyes remained glued to the neon sign out at the front of the dingy building. Slowly, Shinpachi walked over to take a look - and his jaw went slack.

Both sweating buckets, for the second time that day they slowly turned to face each other again, strained expressions meeting in unspoken agreement.

* * *

About 20 minutes ago the two unlucky Jimis had entered the room in awkward silence, sat down on opposite sides of the bed in awkward silence, then turned their backs towards each other in awkward silence, heavy auras of despair hanging over their heads like a rain cloud. (Visibly, since this was anime.)

 _I see it now._

Jimi #1 stared blankly at the wall, feeling his will to live slowly evaporate. _There's a reason why humans shouldn't try to play God. Why they shouldn't try to mess with the natural order. Why a boring megane character like me shouldn't ever end up in first place. This is it for me. I'll have to live the rest of my life a secluded hermit in the mountains, unable to face anyone ever again once they somehow find out about this. I don't know how, but they will. Bastards._

Meanwhile, Jimi #2 sat slumped with his head in his hands.

 _Ah. I suppose this is it for me._

 _Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun. Popularity polls are more than unnecessary, they're torture. Speaking of torture, I'll be receiving plenty from the usual suspects. Maybe if I spend all of my next pay check on a huge crate of mayonnaise, everyone will conveniently forget about it in a week... Though if I'm lucky, they'll just forget about it by then anyway. They forget about me a lot._

And thus, 20 minutes later, they were continuing to sit in awkward silence, except the room smelled even sweatier than it originally did.

 _What should I do now?_ Was the main thought running through their heads now, repeating over and over. _This is bad. This is seriously bad..._

But they were both exhausted, and if someone didn't say something soon, nobody would be getting any rest. With only one bed, though – a bed covered in tacky pink blankets and heart pillows, no less - it wasn't too surprising that neither was jumping at the chance and snoozing like nothing was wrong.

But at least _one_ of them would have to end up using it, right? That much was certain. And so after a long battle of intense deliberation, both finally came to a realization and opened their mouths at the same time and blurted out,

"I'll sleep on the floor!"

...And both promptly froze.

 _Shit... We both said the same thing!_

 _Listen, Jimi-kun._ Shinpachi mentally hissed the nickname Gin-san always used. _I don't want to acknowledge the place we're sitting in right now. You get that, right? We're in a L*** Hotel. A L*** Hotel._

 _Gahh! I think I lost a clump of hair 20 years too early, just now, because I thought about it! So please, just give up already! I can't be a main character like that! I won't appear on covers any more! They'll put me on a bus! You know what kind of bus I mean, right, Jimi-kun? The plot bus that never comes back. As a side character, that thing is your greatest fear! Don't leave me to that kind of fate!_

Meanwhile, Yamazaki dug his fingers into his scalp, teeth gritted. _Listen, Sentient Glasses-kun... Don't start this right now._

 _It's my fault we're here in the first place, so there's no way I can impose and take the bed! Not to mention that doing so would probably pluck away the last shred of dignity I have left! Please, Sentient Glasses-kun, my dignity! I barely have any to begin with! I hardly get any merchandise, and I've never appeared on a tankobon cover, even once! You're still a main character, so you can't possibly understand how that feels!_

"Ahahaha..." Shinpachi spoke up first, laughing awkwardly and rubbing the base of his neck. "D...Don't you want to lie down on this mattress for a bit?" He rocked back and forth on the bed, bouncing up and down. "Wooow, it's springy! Just think of how comfortable your back would be!"

 _Bringing my back into this, huh? That's low. Don't make me feel like an old man!_ Yamazaki's eye twitched. "Ahahaha... Actually, I _prefer_ sleeping in uncomfortable places! I'm used to it! Since I'm often on stakeouts, you see..."

"I-I see... But, er..." Shinpachi grit his teeth as he tried to think of an excuse. "That's right! I can't sleep right now! Because... Because... Oh! That's because I have to get ready! I did so much running that I'm all disgusting and sweaty! S-So while I'm gone, you can just stay here and lie down on the bed until I..."

"Actually, I'm even more gross!" Yamazaki interrupted. "I should go before you, because otherwise I'll get the bed dirty if I lie down on it! S-So, while you're waiting, I... I'll..."

"I'll take a shower first!" They both yelled at the same time.

 _Nooo! We did it again! This is bad... This is bad!  
_

"A...Ah, never mind that, Yamazaki-san, the shower's probably broken anyway! This place is as dodgy as it gets, after all!"

"That's too bad... Well, it wouldn't be worth getting the bed dirty, so it's best that I sleep on the floor anyway! Right, Shinpachi-kun?"

"A-Ah, me too, then! But it'll be fine if only one of us gets it, because it's your own dirt, so...!"

"I told you, I prefer sleeping in uncomfortable places!"

"Then... Then..." _Come on, think of something!_ Shinpachi frantically looked around for something he could use as an excuse – pointedly ignoring the various 'complimentary items' lying around on the tables – until he spotted the hotel yukatas hanging on the wall, and got up to grab one. "Ah, that's right! I-I can't sleep in my clothes, I have to get changed. I-In the mean time, maybe you'll change your mind!"

Yamazaki soon leapt up and grabbed the other one. "Then, I'd better get changed too...! It might take a while, though, so if you get tired, you're free to take a nap..."

With the most painstakingly slow movements possible they both began undoing their clothes, trying their hardest to take as long as possible. With their backs still turned to each other, it was impossible to know the other one's progress without sneaking any side glances. And it wasn't like Shinpachi hadn't just seen that guy buck naked a couple episodes ago, but this was different! The situation they were in was different!

Doing anything at all that could be misconstrued as suggestive would be a death sentence!

But Shinpachi still noted every single swish of fabric, trying to puzzle out just what was going on, or if anything was happening at all. Soon, though, there was nothing but silence. Extended silence. His hands were still on his collar, ready to pull it open, but waiting for the other to make a move first.

 _Aaagh, I don't care anymore!_ Shinpachi eventually decided. _I'll just do it quicker than him and -_

 _Fwish!_

 **Thump!**

"...Ah."

They'd both dropped at the same time, laying stock straight on the carpet on either side of the bed, each with only a pillow for comfort.

Well, this was probably the natural outcome, seeing as their stubbornness seemed to be equal to their plainness.

 _I guess it doesn't feel all that bad to be a cockroach,_ Shinpachi thought, expression blank. _Wait, Sadaharu sleeps on the floor, too. If it's good enough for him, then it's good enough for me. That's right, stay positive..._

He rolled onto his side, facing the gap underneath the bed, only to come face-to-face with Yamazaki-san on the other end. Once spotted, though, the other's eyes widened and he looked away, bringing a hand up to scratch at the back of his neck.

Shinpachi opened his mouth, but Yamazaki cut him off before he could speak.

"Listen, Shinpachi-kun... It's my fault that we're here in the first place. And that everyone ended up lumping you in with me, as well... You didn't do anything. So, that's why I can't..." Yamazaki hesitated, swallowing a lump in his throat. When there was no reply, however, he quickly added, "I-I'm sorry, by the way. That you ended up involved in this, I-"

"I did it all because of you." Shinpachi cut in, his voice shaking, fist clenched tightly into his pillow. The ridiculous heart-shaped pillow that he should be ignoring right now, but facing it was easier than facing Yamazaki-san. "Because you told me to warn everyone... And I-I promised..." Tears were welling up in his eyes, now, and he bit back a small sob as he continued, "But you were really warning me about yourself. I understand the feelings that led you to sabotage everyone. I'm not angry any more. But... I felt like I could trust you in a way I couldn't with anyone else." Admitting it made his face heat up – it was a little embarrassing to say something like this, right?

"...If you want to, Shinpachi-kun, you can come over here and punch me again."

When he received no response from the other again, Yamazaki turned onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. He got the feeling Shinpachi could tell he was looking at him. "Unfortunately, as a spy, I've gotten too used to deceiving people _._ But you, Shinpachi-kun - you've really got a loyal heart. That's why Danna keeps you around." He smiled.

"I'd rather not think about that useless madao traitor bastard natural-perm head right now," Shinpachi grumbled.

"Hah... That's right. Us so-called adults are useless," Yamazaki laughed. "But I do admire him... The kind of person who has the strength to always protect what they stand for – and those they care about. You're with him because you want to be like that too, right? The Shinsengumi are the opposite. We follow the person who we want to protect. And because of that, we're ready to give up our lives at any moment."

There was a pause from Shinpachi for a while, and Yamazaki closed his eyes, not expecting a reply – only to be surprised when he spoke again.

"You might not be like Gin-san, but you're different, Yamazaki-san. You did lie to me earlier... but I can tell you must be dependable in your own way, too. That's why Hijikata-san and the others keep you around, right?" Yamazaki's tears from earlier flashed in Shinpachi's mind, and the way he'd described his role- no, _their_ role- "Dirt that exists to help the flowers around it to bloom... That's how we both are. You told me yourself... We help support those who are important to us in any way possible, because that's the kind of people we are. It's the kind of soul we have... The both of us. You have it too, Yamazaki-san- your own kind of strength. I can feel it. So, don't put yourself down..."

"Shinpachi-kun..." Yamazaki's voice was muffled by his sleeve as he wiped the tears rolling down his face.

Shinpachi continued, "Those so-called 'flowers' might have kicked us down recently... But that's fine for now, because at a time like this... At least we can support each other. Right?"

"Right..." Yamazaki laughed, smiling brightly. "Thank you... Nobody has ever... said anything like that to me before. I don't know... what to say other than that."

"You don't need to say anything, Yamazaki-san. Just your thanks is more than enough."

"Actually, Shinpachi-kun... How about you promise me something?"

"Hmm?"

"...Make sure you never lose that loyal soul of yours, no matter what happens. Even if, somehow, you become the second most popular character and get your own spin-off. Don't lose it... Because it's not something most people have. Jimis like us have to be dependable." Yamazaki smiled. "Isn't that right, 8?"

Shinpachi smiled back, sniffling as his own eyes filled with tears. "Right, 9."

With that, Yamazaki reached his arm out underneath the bed between them, offering his hand for a truce. Shinpachi took it with his own, and with a nod they both shook, forging an agreement. A bond of brotherhood – Jimi-hood. Yes – as comrades, they could now overcome any obstacle. Slay any opponent. Stand strong in the face of unpopularity.

Finally decide who would be taking the damn bed.

"So - 8, With all that said, it's yours."

"No way, 9. We made up now, so that means I'll give it to you."

"But it's too much effort to get up, 8. I'm comfy here. So you'll have to take it."

"Really? Ah, I think there's super-glue on my butt. I can't get up either. What now, 9?"

"8 comes before 9, so it's higher in rank. A peasant like me belongs on the floor."

"I'm a benevolent noble, and I put the lower classes above myself."

"Ah, I think there's super-glue on my butt, too. This place sure is dingy, huh? Too bad."

"You know what kind of place this is, right? It's not super-glue."

"Then why can't you get up?"

"...It's super-sticky."

"So's mine—I-I _mean,_ my _side._ Of the carpet. Which my butt is really stuck to."

Both grit their teeth in frustration. Once again, they opened their mouths at the same time, and in unison yelled out -

 _"I'll sleep on the bed if you sleep on the bed!"_

The resounding conclusion to the argument echoed around the room.

"Fine!"

"Deal!"

"Amazing!"

"Wonderful!"

" _Super!_ "

And thus, the two Jimis had finally reached a decision... As unfortunate as it was.

* * *

 _Shiver, shiver..._

Shinpachi tugged the end of the duvet a little closer, the edge only just covering him from where he was lying, practically hanging off his side of the mattress. Though he was shivering from the cold, his face, turned away from the other sleeping on the opposite end, was hot with embarrassment.

 _Lying barely on the edge of the bed like this, it isn't much better... Half of my body is cold... But I can't possibly go any further...!_

Shinpachi glanced over to see Yamazaki doing exactly the same on the other side of the bed. Though he couldn't see his face, it was clear he was just as nervous as himself...

 _Why am I so embarrassed? We're both guys, and there's NO chance anything weird's going to happen just because we're in a place like this, so why am I like this?_ Shinpachi's heart was pounding so hard he could hear it in his ears. _If it was Gin-san or something, I wouldn't be like this. I'd just be trying to steal the blanket over from him to piss him off. So, why..._

He knew he'd been so nervous last time he was in almost this exact situation, when he thought he was going to get some from that deceiving cat-girl, but somehow, this was even worse...

Deciding to try his best to ignore it, Shinpachi curled up on his side and shut his eyes.

 _No... There's no way I can actually get to sleep when I'm this uncomfortable... But...!_

The bedsheets shifted, and suddenly he could feel Yamazaki slowly edging further onto the bed.

 _Ah! Yamazaki-san moved closer!_ Shinpachi flushed as he felt the other's movements through the surface of the bed, realising that he could feel the faint heat from his body spreading under the covers and warming him, and his eyes opened wide.

This... wasn't so bad. He should stop making a big deal out of this, and just...

The movements continued more and more until Yamazaki stopped in the middle – and then, a soft sigh as he turned onto his back and sunk down into the mattress. Shinpachi swallowed, holding his breath for a moment as he confirmed that the other wasn't going to move any farther.

Slowly, Shinpachi moved away from the edge of the bed as well, until his head finally rested properly on his pillow. _Is Yamazaki-san already sleeping?_ He wondered, and stole a small glance behind him, only to find the other's back facing his way, so he was unable to tell.

Still struggling to get to sleep, it didn't help that Shinpachi could feel Yamazaki's warmth almost directly beside him, along with the dip caused by the weight of the other's body... He'd never shared a bed with anyone other than his sister when they were both kids – even if it was obvious this was only something they were doing out of necessity, it didn't stop the sensation feeling any less... intimate.

It didn't stop the strange feeling that came from doing something that he fully expected he wouldn't be doing until the day finally came that he got himself a girlfriend (and Aneue had fully and thoroughly approved of their marriage should his chosen partner make it through her own personal Nine Circles of Hell unscathed, after which they would be allowed to hold hands, unsupervised, for the first time).

 _'Thank you.'_

The memory of Yamazaki's soft voice as he spoke those words came into Shinpachi's mind. He remembered his face, streaked with tears, his warm eyes, and sincere smile.

 _'Never lose that loyal soul of yours... Because it's not something most people have.'_

Heat rushed through his stomach and burned in his face, and Shinpachi told himself it must've been because the covers were too thick and starting to stifle.

 _'Nobody has ever said anything like that to me before.'_

 _Nobody's ever said anything like that to me before, either..._ The heat only got worse and Shinpachi buried his face into the pillow in an attempt to cool down, wondering why he was remembering their earlier conversation all of a sudden. Ah, thinking too hard was just going to make it harder to get to sleep...

Trying to take his mind off of the problem, he glanced up above his head, staring at the 1st place ranking still floating there. The fact that it was still there was worrying... Shinpachi hoped he'd be able to figure out what to do about it in the morning – if it wasn't gone by then, anyway.

With a soft sigh, Shinpachi let his heavy eyelids slide shut, hoping to finally get some much-needed rest.

Yamazaki watched the back of his head with a pensive expression until he did the same.

* * *

…

…

 _Bright..._

 _..._

 _It was too bright._

 _Shinpachi rolled over and buried his face further under the covers as he woke to the morning light flowing into the room, letting out a sleepy groan._

 _As he moved, his cheek suddenly brushed against something... silky. And stringy. Long._

Giggle.

" _Shinpachi-kuun... Wake up, Shinpachi-kun."_

That voice... _His heart was starting to pound as the face lying beside him slowly came into focus, and he blushed instantly as he recognised it._ It couldn't be...

" _Shinpachi-kun... It's me," she giggled._

 _Shinpachi sat up and almost cried out loud when he noticed the tell-tale pink wallpaper and heart-shaped pillows adorning the double bed the two were in right now. And then almost fainted as he saw the significantly longer, much less-bug-like, and ...well-endowed body below Pandemonium-san's head._

 _She giggled again at his reaction, sitting up and embracing him in her arms, whispering into his ear. "I've been waiting for you..."_

" _P-Pandemonium-san... I didn't think I'd see you again..."_

" _Shinpachi-kun... I never forgot about you..." Pandemonium-san blushed._

" _Neither did I, Pandemonium-san..." Shinpachi's own face was just as red. "I-If you don't mind me asking, why exactly are we in a love hotel?"_

 _"W-Well... Isn't it more or less obvious? What people who are in love go here to do..." The alien-larva-who-just-so-happened-to-now-be-a-cute-highschool-girl stammered softly and blushed deeper, her eyes shining as she gazed into Shinpachi's. "C...Could it be that you're maybe not ready?"_

 _Swelling with a suave confidence that only Dream-Shinpachi could muster in this kind of situation, he took the girl by the shoulders and replied, sparkly shoujo flowers filling the air, "Since it's you, Pandemonium-san... Of course I am."_

 _The time was finally right. Gin-san and Kagura-chan could never say the words 'virgin otaku' ever again!_

 _He then reached out to pull his love closer, and leaned in for what would be his second-time ki..._

* * *

"Mmnnrff..." was the sound Shinpachi's lips made from where they were wedged against the sheets, right above a puddle of drool. Soon, as his unconscious instincts continued trying, and failing, to make out with a bed, and after realizing that his outstretched arm was holding nothing but the air in a 'tender' embrace, his body jerked and his eyes snapped open, wide awake.

"Waaah!" Shinpachi screamed as he came crashing back into reality. Face burning with embarrassment, he hid himself in the covers as he tried to recover some semblance of his dignity with which to face the world, otherwise he could surely never greet the light of day again.

Shit, Yamazaki-san had better not have caught him like this...

Wait... Yamazaki-san? Gosh, it was too early in the morning to remember that guy's face; wait actually who was he aga- oh.

Yamazaki-san, who he checked into a L*** Hotel with last night. The L*** Hotel that he was currently in the bed of. The bed that Yamazaki-san had also fallen asleep in.

Yamazaki-san... Yamazaki-san, who was also still most likely...

Shinpachi froze at the sudden realization of something pressing against him from behind – something soft. Something... warm.

 _Oh, crap, this can't be happening._ Shinpachi started to panic. _No, no, no, there's no way they'd really go for the most cliché scenario in the book for this kind of setting, right? It's always like this... Two people fall asleep in the same bed, and by morning, they somehow end up spooning in their sleep. That kind of thing is totally unrealistic! W-Wait... This thing has an M rating, doesn't it..._

 _...No. That wouldn't happen. That definitely can't happen to me! T-There's nothing poking my lower back right now! That's right, nothing!_

Shinpachi's entire body went as red as a sunburnt tomato as he desperately tried to pretend he couldn't feel the very real something that was in fact poking against his lower back.

Ah, so this was it. This was how he was going to die. _Goodbye, Gin-san. Goodbye, Kagura-chan. Goodbye, Aneue._ Seppuku was the only answer to restore any shred of his lost honour right now –

At least until he realised that whatever was currently 'spooning' him wasn't actually all that warm, and when he moved his leg back, it brushed against the texture of fabric. Shinpachi sat up to see that what had been next to him was in fact a very long pillow that had apparently been there the whole time, and right next to it, where he'd thought ' _that_ ' was, was actually a novelty-shaped 'complimentary hotel mint' that was almost as big as his entire hand... That had also apparently just been there the whole time.

 _Whaaaat? Since when do mints like that exist? And since when do L*** Hotels even give mints at all? Does this look like a classy establishment?! And when did that pillow get here? That kind of pillow wasn't mentioned at all earlier! Did it appear on its own in the morning?! Don't create sudden plot-holes, you talentless hack of a writer!_

Shinpachi slumped and ran a hand through his hair, slipping his glasses back on from where he'd placed them on the night stand. It was too early in the morning to be playing his straight-man role; he'd already exhausted himself. That kind of thing took more energy than people realised! (He really deserved more appreciation.)

A quick glance over at the other side, however, determined that his... er, former bed companion was in fact gone, and he breathed out a sigh of relief. Yamazaki must've left already, because his clothes were nowhere to be seen.

 _That reminds me._ Shinpachi looked up over his head, expecting to see his ranking, but it wasn't there.

Wait; it wasn't there! Finally, the madness was over! Now he'd be able to return home to Aneue, and see Gin-san without having to worry about any popularity-poll-based wrath... Hopefully, anyway. But at the very least, he'd never have to stay in a place like this again just because the world was out for his blood. (Though he _would_ be lying if he said he wouldn't _completely_ miss the feeling of finally having that sweet, sweet first place ranking...)

 _Yamazaki-san probably thought the same thing too,_ Shinpachi thought as he got out of bed, still half asleep, and through his groggy daze started heading towards the bathroom. He really did feel gross after all that running yesterday, so hopefully nothing actually _would_ be broken in this cheap-ass hotel room, because he could really use a sh...

"Wah!"

A startled yelp shook Shinpachi from his thoughts as he closed the door and took a step forward only to come face-to-face with Yamazaki-san, standing in the shower with a horrified expression that matched his own. Yamazaki-san, who he thought had left! ...And whose bare ass was now Item #3 on the list of things it was far too early in the morning for!

Shrieking not unlike some clueless protagonist in an ecchi manga, Shinpachi raised his hands defensively and started stepping backwards as quickly as possible. " Y-Yamazaki-san," he stuttered, "I-I didn't know you were still- _wahh!_ "

 _...Thud._

Yamazaki could only gawk as Shinpachi slipped in all the confusion and flipped backwards, smacking his head hard on the floor. Blood promptly leaked out onto the tiles.

"S-Shinpachi-kuuun!" Yamazaki cried, jumping out of the shower and grabbing a towel to wrap round his lower half before rushing over to the boy and shaking him by the shoulders. But it was no good – he seemed to be out cold, his eyes rolled back, mouth hanging open. His head was still bleeding a little, too...

 _Alright, well, he's still alive, at least,_ Yamazaki thought after quickly checking his pulse. _Am I going to have to call an ambulance? I should hurry, before –_

No sooner had the thought left his mind, however, that he realised exactly where he was right now, and exactly what kind of interesting things being caught with a _concussed_ teenage boy in a love hotel was going to do to his barely-existent reputation. A shriek of horror came from Yamazaki's mouth as he imagined the gleeful look on that sadistic Captain's face once he got hold of the gossip, and the Vice-Commander's inevitable verbal abuse...! And unrelated physical abuse.

And _then,_ at that point if by some miraculous chance his soul hadn't simply vacated the pathetic husk he called a body from the overwhelming shame, he had that megane kid's own 'guardians' to contend with! Who didn't fancy taking their chances with that overprotective gorilla of a sister who gave Kondo-san new broken bones in obscure and hard-to-pronounce places on the regular? And then, if the other Yorozuyas decided to get on his case, and they _would_ , well...

 _In short, if you don't wake up right now, then I'll be 99.9% more screwed than I already am, guaranteed!_ With the renewed vigour of a man on the brink of death, Yamazaki shook Shinpachi as hard as he possibly could, like a useless MADAO trying to shift some change out of a slot machine.

"Wake up! I'm begging you, Shinpachi-kun, wake _uuuppp!_ "

The boy's limp body flopped back and forth, his glasses soon flying off his face to lands unknown. "Shinpachi-kuuun!" Yamazaki continued to plead in vain. "They'll execute me! At my funeral, they'll finally remember something about me, but it'll be this! I'll be remembered as a pervert, Shinpachi-kun! And then they'll forget about me three seconds later, but that three seconds will be my legacy!" Tears welled up in his eyes. "My _legacy,_ Shinpachi-kun! I'll actually have one, but it'll be _that!_ Please, wake up and save me from this sadistic nightmare!"

Panting from the outburst, and because his arms were pretty tired by now, Yamazaki finally stopped shaking the boy. Shinpachi's head was lolled back, his body still limp. Sighing, Yamazaki's own head dropped down as his heart sunk into his stomach.

So his terrible fate was sealed after all... Well, he'd had some good points in his life up until now. (Most of them offscreen.) He distantly recalled the joy of the short time he saw that 1st place ranking above his head, his eyes going misty as the event replayed itself in his mind. The part before those backstabbers threw him off the building and landed him in this mess, of course.

"...Pa..."

Huh? What was that just now? It sounded almost like someone saying -

"Pa..."

"Shi... Shinpachi-kun?" Yamazaki blinked, still holding the boy by the shoulders. _Has he finally woken up now?_ He desperately hoped. _I'm saved..._

Shinpachi's eyes were open but unfocused, half-lidded in a strange daze. His breaths came in erratic pants, a red flush spread over every inch of his skin like a burning fever. "Pa... Pandemonium-san."

 _What the... Did that fall knock a few screws loose?_ "Huh? Who's..."

But Yamazaki lost his train of thought as Shinpachi slumped out of his loose grip and crawled closer, on his knees, movements clumsy and uncoordinated. Thinking he must be dizzy from the fall, he reached out to help him stay steady, but his hand missed its target – Shinpachi closed in, panting with that dazed look as if a virus had taken over his body, placing his hands on either side of Yamazaki's face –

"S...Shinpachi-kun," Yamazaki spluttered, blushing at the sudden closeness and beginning to back away, "is, uh, your head feeli _mph-!_ "

No, Shinpachi-kun's head was _not_ feeling okay – because Shinpachi-kun's mouth was covering his own and he was _kissing_ him like his teenage virgin life depended on it. Struggling only to be pulled closer, Yamazaki found his attempts met with unexpected strength as he tried through his confusion to escape.

"W-What are you doing?" Yamazaki managed as he finally pushed the other off by force, pulling his wrists away from him. There had to be some explanation for this. It had to be some kind of misunderstanding. "Ha ha, you... Must've hit your head _really_ hard, Shinpachi-ku-"

The gap closed again and the feverish heat of Shinpachi's body was pressing up against his own, spreading warmth over Yamazaki's still-wet skin, making him shiver involuntarily into the second kiss to catch him off-guard. Didn't... Didn't Shinpachi-kun realise what he was doing? Was he dreaming of some busty idol girl? Yamazaki was the complete opposite of a busty idol girl: he was male, couldn't sing, and wasn't cute in any way. It was safe to say nobody would willingly kiss him, even some random background charac-

 _Eep!_ Yamazaki yelped as Shinpachi's hands snaked up to his chest and squeezed – in vain. Oi, he really _did_ think he was doing this with a busty idol girl, didn't he?! What was going on here?

But all that registered to Shinpachi in his clouded-over mind was his partner's warmth, craving more touch and more closeness in any way possible – he lifted himself up and straddled Yamazaki's thigh to press their skin flush together, his yukata fallen slack around his middle. Panicking, Yamazaki tried to move away and push Shinpachi off again, only to earn a sudden moan from him as his leg jerked that stopped him in his tracks.

Shinpachi grabbed onto Yamazaki's shoulders and left him no time to react before he rocked his hips on top of him in response, more of those soft moans now catching in his throat as he moved back and forth, rubbing against slick skin, and – and _why,_ exactly, was Yamazaki still letting this-

 _–Ah!_ Shinpachi-kun's knee pushed up between his legs and he let out an embarrassing groan–

Still letting this... Why he was still letting this happen, _how_ he was letting this happen. But reason was slipping away; his head was losing the oh-so-important blood it required to do so quicker with every movement, his will was shamefully faltering and his body was refusing to do what it was told. Yamazaki's attempted shove fell short and his head dropped to Shinpachi's shoulder at the repeated motions with a high-pitched whimper, his hands falling at his chest.

"Shi... Shinpachi-kun, _sto-_ "

"Ah," Shinpachi gasped; he was painfully hard and Yamazaki could feel it, "P-Please," he breathed softly, almost _shyly_ despite what he was doing, their feverish temperatures mirrored as he rested their foreheads together, "Again... Kiss... Me..."

Yamazaki's eyes widened in anticipation - but any possible objection wasn't easy to make with the other's tongue suddenly halfway down his throat. _What are you doing? Shinpachi-kun_ – was what he'd be saying if he wasn't unwillingly moaning into his mouth instead, losing the battle before it had even begun-

 _Gyaah!_ Okita-taichou's sadistic wrath! Danna's wooden sword! The gorilla girl blaming him and skewering Kondou-san's head on a pike! No, forget all that, what was _Shinpachi-kun_ going to do to him once he snapped out of it? What was he doing? He had to stop this!

"Nn," Yamazaki gasped for air as he broke the kiss, "Shi... Shinpachi-kun, we shouldn't be... T-That's, what I mean is we _can't..._ " But that all-important blood only continued evacuating his head as the other pressed up against him, taking his hand and thrusting it underneath his dishevelled yukata with another whispered gasp of "Please," and soon, the sounds Shinpachi-kun was making as he arched into him were further chipping at his barely-remaining resolve bit by bit.

Dumbly allowing his hand to be guided and used, all Yamazaki found himself able to do was gape almost in disbelief at the nearly unrecognisable face in front of him. When did that Yorozuya kid ever look like this? Flushed all the way down to his shoulders, expression twisted in pleasure, it was more than enough to keep him hesitating. And it was then that his useless brain came to a final consensus: he was so hard right now it hurt, and if he wanted that problem to solve itself it was best to just stop thinking about what was currently happening.

So Yamazaki stopped thinking as the towel slipped away and stopped thinking as Shinpachi-kun moved forward and sat in his lap and stopped thinking _completely_ when -

Somewhere in Shinpachi's dazed imagination it didn't seem to matter that the appendage he found between his supposed alien girlfriend's legs wasn't the kind he was expecting, though he did hesitate for a moment and Yamazaki, thinking he might've come back, let his guard down – only to be pushed onto his back as Shinpachi dropped himself recklessly to take in as much of him as he could, crying out and shaking at the effort.

"Ah...! W-Wait, Shinpachi-kun, that's –!"

It wasn't like Yamazaki hadn't done this kind of thing before, but never like – not like _this_ , so tight and hot, Shinpachi-kun on top of him and moaning shamelessly as he held him down and rode him over and over - it was too much, even if he knew this shouldn't be happening he couldn't stop his hips from moving, his mind going blank. There was no way to think, the way he was being squeezed, pinned beneath the other, slammed into the floor with those desperate movements-

Yamazaki momentarily snapped out of it at a sudden pained noise, however – coming from Shinpachi-kun. He noticed too late how the other was shaking half in pain, moving with no regard for himself, and as Yamazaki looked up at his clouded eyes, unable to recognise anything other than physical sensation, intense guilt stabbed through him.

This Shinpachi-kun... wasn't himself. Shinpachi-kun wouldn't want this; hadn't Yamazaki promised he would look out for him? Hadn't he made him promise in return to never lose himself? But Yamazaki had let exactly that happen; he'd let Shinpachi-kun down for the second time. And the only thing he could do to possibly salvage the situation now was to stop this, no matter his reaction.

Yamazaki shook Shinpachi-kun by the shoulders as he tried again in vain to snap him out of it.

"Shinpachi-kun, please wake up!"

But the unrecognisable Shinpachi-kun in front of him only stared back with that same dazed, increasingly desperate expression, panting open-mouthed. There was a slight confusion in his eyes at being forced to stop, and he tried to move again, but Yamazaki held his hip down with one hand.

"Shinpachi-kun, please," he tried again, almost tearing up. Shinpachi let out a sudden sigh and went limp in his arms, his eyes closing. "Shi... Shinpachi-kun? Shinpachi-kun?!" Yamazaki shook him one last time, but nothing happened.

Finally giving up in exasperation, Yamazaki turned his head away and let go of Shinpachi, covering his face with one arm to try and will away his steadily-forming tears.

But once he let go, the other started to fall down without any support, and before Yamazaki could grab him and stop him, their heads smacked together.

"Oww..." Yamazaki rubbed at his forehead, eyes screwed shut in pain. He felt Shinpachi slowly sit up, however, and opened them to see him groaning at the pain of his own head, before he suddenly jumped with a shocked expression, the light of realization returning to his eyes.

Had... Had Shinpachi-kun come back to his senses?

Swallowing, Yamazaki braced himself before speaking. "Shinpachi-kun... Are you..."

"I-I... I..." Shinpachi's eyes were wide. "Yama...zaki-san...?" His voice trailed off as he looked downwards, the blush from earlier instantly returning to his cheeks once he acknowledged the position he was... _they were_ in.

He promptly did what he did best and screamed.

"Wahhh!" Shinpachi started frantically waving his arms around. "W-What am I... I-I thought I was..." As red with embarrassment as it was possible to be, he hid his face in his hands and turned away, praying he would melt away on the spot. "I-I... did all those things to you? Ahh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"N-No!" Yamazaki sat up from the floor, going just as red and waving his hands in return. "It's my fault! I should have stopped this..." He awkwardly glanced down with a slightly sheepish look. "S-Shinpachi-kun, I'm sorry, I'll..."

"It's-" Still looking to the side, Shinpachi shifted a little, preparing to get up- and suddenly arched, clamping a hand over his mouth with a small whine, eyes squeezing shut. Yamazaki-san was still inside him, and when he moved- "D...Don't," he said before he could even think, feeling his body quickly heat up again.

"...Huh?"

"Don't..." Their chests pressed flush together again as Shinpachi placed his hands on Yamazaki's shoulders and hid his blushing face in his neck. "I... can't... I don't want to stop... It hurts, I'm still so... We're both still... Yamazaki-san, too..." Shinpachi deliberately moved his hips again, hitting that spot that felt so good, a small moan catching in his throat.

Yamazaki blinked in disbelief. Shinpachi-kun wasn't angry with him? He wanted... to continue? "You... You still want...?"

"Ah...!" Resuming his earlier actions, though his movements were slower and more timid, Shinpachi cried out. All he could still focus on was how good it felt; stopping now would leave them both unsatisfied, so-

But Yamazaki pulled him away from his shoulder, holding onto his arms. "Shinpachi-kun, stop."

Blinking, Shinpachi stared in confusion, unsure whether or not the other was upset. Embarrassed, he was about to apologize, until he was carefully pulled off by Yamazaki and turned around into a kneeling position in front of him, the towel spread out on the floor underneath them.

"Yamazaki-san...?" Before Shinpachi could turn his head he was pushed down onto his front, the other's hands placing themselves beside his as he settled down on top. "W-what are you... Ah!" Yamazaki-san was pushing inside of him again- Shinpachi gripped the towel tightly, burying his face into it. Yamazaki's head dropped against his shoulder and he felt his damp hair brush his skin; he could feel the lean muscles in his chest moving as he exhaled and inhaled shakily, whether with restraint or exertion.

"Lift your hips a little more, Shinpachi-kun," Yamazaki murmured into his ear. Quickly complying, Shinpachi felt a hand hold him in place before-

" _Nn...!"_ Yamazaki's other hand covered his own and squeezed it as Shinpachi buried his burning face deeper into the towel, muffling himself on his arm. He gasped as he adjusted to the feeling of being fully penetrated again, panting in slow, shallow breaths.

"Does it hurt?"

Shinpachi hid his face in his arm, only the red tips of his ears visible, shaking slightly. "Fine – I'm... fine, just..." _Just do it already... I can't wait any more..._

Frowning, Yamazaki let go of Shinpachi's hip to wrap round his middle in an embrace, dipping his head to place a kiss over his shoulder blade. He knew pressing the question wouldn't change the answer, so in place of a reply he only held him closer to show his concern, beginning to move slowly in a steady rhythm.

Even knowing first-hand how strong the boy underneath him was, he couldn't help but treat him delicately, squeezing his hand with every sign of strain, placing kisses down his neck like he was someone precious to him. Yamazaki realised that he hadn't yet found anyone he could think of as such a thing - or who'd think of _him_ as such a thing, plain as he was - but as he felt Shinpachi-kun's hand squeeze his own in return ( _Shinpachi-kun who was just the same_ ) and affection tugged at his heart, he faintly wondered if whatever this was was similar enough to fool him.

Steadying himself on his forearms and snapping his hips up higher, Shinpachi didn't know how much longer he could take this; being touched and held so gently by someone in a way he'd never been before, these agonizingly slow thrusts that left him shivering and aching for more, choking out his counterpart's name again and again.

"Ya...mazaki-san," he gasped as lips brushed over a scar on his shoulder, "Yamazaki-san," he called as both hands slid to his hips, gripping them firmly – "Yamaza... _ah!"_ the other hit that spot that made him arch and it was all he could do not to collapse and melt away.

"Shin...pachi-kun..." Yamazaki's voice was shaky as he breathed into his ear, gasping and holding him tighter. Shinpachi knew he wasn't going to last much longer, and neither was Yamazaki-san, based on how he was trembling, burying into his skin to muffle the almost frantic sounds he made.

"Don't... hold yourself back." Shinpachi squeezed Yamazaki's hand again to punctuate the words.

That was all it took for the other to finally let go of his restraint. Soon his head was going blank, losing all sense of awareness and shame, no longer aware of what he was doing, of the confusion of how this was happening in the first place, of the obscene sounds his voice was making- Yamazaki-san holding him close, Yamazaki-san's pulse beating in time with his own, Yamazaki-san dragging, pulling him down into his body's final release.

* * *

The towel, scrunched and sticky underneath them on the floor wasn't enough to shield their spent bodies from the cool bathroom tiles. They lay in the same positions they'd collapsed in, Shinpachi flat on his front, almost dizzy, panting like he'd just run a marathon and Yamazaki still half on top of him, his head resting somewhere against his shoulder.

"Are you OK?"

 _That's the first thing he's going to say? Well, I don't know what else he's meant to say..._ Shinpachi blushed and bit the inside of his cheek, the weight of what had just happened slapping him in the face as expected. He wobbled a little as he lifted himself up on his hands before sitting up, looking pointedly away from the other and blushing even more.

"I-I'm fine," Shinpachi insisted, picking up his glasses from where they were lying on the floor a short distance away and putting them back on. He tugged his yukata back over his shoulders and tied it for the sake of modesty, quickly becoming self-conscious about his nakedness.

Yamazaki sat apart from Shinpachi, turning his back to him in an attempt to preserve both of their privacy, even though such a word didn't really mean much after what they'd just done. He ran a hand through his hair, his own face just as red as he tried in any way possible to rationalize his previous actions. Needless to say, he wasn't having any luck.

Shinpachi wished the ground would swallow him up. Did Yamazaki-san hate him now? Did he just go along with it out of being pushed? Was this going to destroy their new friendship? Ah! Yamazaki was looking over at him now! Oh no, this was bad... Was he going to say something? Based on his expression, it was hard to tell if he was upset or not... Shinpachi blinked and squirmed uncomfortably. Was he expecting an apology? Was that it? Was he just going to stare in awkward silence?

No, he had to say something eventually... Right? Something happened that couldn't be undone and someone was going to have to take responsibility. Finally making up his mind, Shinpachi decided to-

"Er... By the way, who's Pandemonium-san?"

* * *

Once they were both washed and dressed, they found themselves once again sitting at opposite ends of the bed in an awkward silence. There was nothing they could say in any case – not when they had so much to think over.

Shinpachi's face was still as red as a tomato. He still couldn't believe it... It was safe to say that _that_ had been the _last_ possible situation he could have imagined for his fabled First Time. He'd have sooner expected Gin-san's ninja stalker girl, an accidental encounter with a tentacled Amanto, or even swearing a vow of chastity until Otsuu-chan's dying day before... that.

Really, he'd have sooner expected just about any girl (alien or otherwise) before _Yamazaki-san_ of all people, in a run-down love hotel, on the bathroom floor-

Wait, wait. Since it was technically an accident, did it really count?

Shinpachi's mind then proceeded to go through several highly detailed images of himself very consciously screaming Yamazaki's name while being vigorously... Yeeeah, no. They went the full nine yards.

There was no mistake, that was for sure. He'd lost his virginity to that guy... A guy at all, actually. Shinpachi's face burned. Putting that aside, though, hormonal teenager that he was, he had at least expected that he'd lose it to somebody he was actually, well, dating. Someone who he really liked... That it would be at least a little bit special... More or less, what most people imagined. But then there was the obvious fact that he hadn't exactly minded it, and that he was in fact the one who insisted on continuing...

 _Ah! I'm not thinking about that! I'm definitely not thinking about that!_ Shinpachi hid his face in his hands.

Yamazaki was trying even harder not to freak out. He considered himself lucky enough that Shinpachi-kun hadn't bit his head off, but everyone else... Hopefully, nobody would find out. Once again, all his potential demises were looping around inside his head like a carousel of pain.

Despite all his worries, though, he knew that even if nobody else ended up being angry with him, only if Shinpachi-kun had would he have been upset. Being beaten within an inch of his life was an additional duty on Yamazaki's job description by now, so he was prepared to deal with everyone else's wrath. Broken bones could heal... but broken bonds were different.

They'd only just become friends, and he'd been more than happy about it. Yamazaki didn't know anyone else like Shinpachi-kun who he could complain with about the problems he had... And who could sympathize. Who could thank him for something sincerely with a smile... Anyone, well, _ordinary like himself,_ in comparison to those around them.

He liked Shinpachi-kun – though in what way exactly he wasn't sure anymore, thanks to earlier - and if their friendship was ruined now, he didn't know what he'd do with himself.

"Everyone's... probably wondering where we are right now." Shinpachi was the first to finally speak, resolving as hard as he could to act normal and turn the situation around.

Yamazaki scratched his neck. "Y...Yeah." _No, actually, they've probably forgotten about me... Maybe I have a replacement already. They probably just hauled some guy off the street and made him the new Yamazaki. I know, because that already happened one time..._

"Oh. Same here, actually."

Yamazaki whipped around. "I-I said that out loud?"

"Yes."

"Ah... I'm sorry..."

"It's OK. I understand..." A pause. "He was some guy with an arm cannon."

...More awkward silence.

"Anyway..." Yamazaki started, "We'll have to be careful. There's no way we can leave together. He'll definitely see us, right? You know who I'm talking about. That sadist... He'll take a picture and everyone will get the wrong idea and think that we..." Yamazaki awkwardly cleared his throat, "except, well... we really _did..._ "

"D-Don't say it! W-We agreed not to say anything about it for now!" Shinpachi went red. "T-They'd never seriously think it anyway! Right? Right?"

"...You're right, actually, maybe they wouldn't. They still don't believe I'm not a virgin in the first place. Or believe me when I say I have a broken arm, or the flu. Even my age... The year got misprinted on the official documents, and they ignore me whenever I try to correct them."

"Ah." Shinpachi blinked. "Yeah, there's no way they'd ever stop calling me a virgin otaku... They definitely wouldn't believe me. " A pause, and his eyes widened in realization. "Or they'd ask me to introduce them to my g-g- _girlfr-_ "

" _Anyway!_ " Yamazaki loudly interrupted, "We can't leave together, so what's the plan?"

Shinpachi paused. "...It's more suspicious if you're gone longer, right? If you leave first, I'll leave a little bit later... I still need to think, anyway..." He blushed.

"Right..." Swallowing, Yamazaki got up. "Then, I'd better..." He went for the door but stopped in front of it with his fingers on the handle. Something uneasy was twisting in his stomach, a gut feeling trained from years of experience.

Noticing he was still standing there, Shinpachi turned around and looked at him. "Be careful, OK?"

"R-Right..." Though that uneasy feeling wasn't leaving, Yamazaki made himself ignore it and started to push down the handle.

He sensed the presence behind him before he felt a hand tug at his sleeve to pull him back, turning to see Shinpachi-kun standing there, his head turned down to hide his red face.

"W...Wait a second."

Yamazaki's mouth went dry, his heart starting to pound.

"After this..." Shinpachi hesitated, gripping his sleeve tighter, "I... I don't want you to think of me any differently, or avoid me just because..."

"Are you asking... if I regret what happened?" Yamazaki blushed a little, looking away. "Well, I, er... didn't have a bad time, if that's what you..."

"I-I didn't either, but t-that's not-!" Shinpachi's arms flailed wildly. "Aaaah, forget I said that! Please forget I said that!"

Left staring dumbly in surprise, Yamazaki blushed even more.

Shinpachi's eyes widened as he realized something. "Wait, so you also...?"

Looking away awkwardly and scratching his neck, Yamazaki started turning back around to open the door. "I should be..." But Shinpachi held his sleeve again, swallowing before taking a step forward, almost closing him in against the wall, and his face burned.

"Yamazaki-san..." Shinpachi's hands took Yamazaki's own. "I'm still not sure what I was feeling. But whatever it was, I want... to make sure it wasn't just something I imagined. That's why, at least one more time, I want to..." Squeezing his eyes shut and going red again, he slowly started to lean in closer.

Realizing what was happening, Yamazaki almost couldn't move. Shinpachi was hesitating, looking at him in confusion now – but then Yamazaki placed his hands on his shoulders and pulled him in a little to encourage him. Slowly closing his eyes, he was surprised as Shinpachi suddenly took hold of his face and firmly pressed their lips together. It was stumbling and chaste, the opposite of their previous heated kisses, but he could feel Shinpachi-kun's awareness, nervousness, responsiveness to him... That was to say, that instead of imagining some idol girl or whatever that otaku megane was into, this time he not only knew he was kissing him, but was _choosing_ to.

Just that thought made him feel lighter than air.

Shinpachi soon pulled away, blushing and looking down. Yamazaki was left staring dumbstruck, realising his heart was still pounding.

What was he feeling? Their eyes met again, and before the other could pull away Yamazaki leaned in and kissed him again. Shinpachi jumped at first but quickly returned it, this time responding more confidently than before. It was more than enough to confirm that the strange feeling was there.

Soon pulling away, Yamazaki was quick to put some distance between them again. "S-Sorry..."

"It's OK." Shinpachi looked to the side, blushing. Yamazaki was reminded they were still holding hands when the other gave them a small squeeze, tightening his grip as if worried he would leave again.

Shinpachi then looked up intently at Yamazaki, and, deciding for certain that he wasn't going to walk away, let go of his hands and took a few steps back – back into normal speaking distance. He closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing, summoning his courage, before looking at Yamazaki again with sudden determination.

"Next time... Next time, let's forget about everything." Yamazaki blinked, confused, but Shinpachi continued, "We can start over from the beginning and meet each other for the first time again. Normally you're meant to start by going on a... d-date or something. Right?"

 _D...Date?_

Fists clenched, Shinpachi seemed to be using all his strength - but he still hesitated, trembling slightly and gulping again before continuing with renewed force, "S-So, if... If you decide you like me when we next meet, then...!" He blushed bright red. "Ask me, OK?! S-Somewhere my sister won't hear, though, or she'll kill you... A-Anyway, I-I'll do my best!" Shinpachi finished, yelling, punctuating the sentence with a sharp bow – only to almost smack his head into the other's by accident due to his eyes being squeezed shut.

Instead, his head bumped into Yamazaki's hand, and Shinpachi opened his eyes to see him smiling down at him, laughing gently. That expression... He'd seen Yamazaki-san smile before, but this time there was something different in it – something that made his heart beat faster as he apologized for the accident. "S-Sorry..."

"OK. I'll remember all of that. I promise I'll try my best too..." Yamazaki's hand moved to Shinpachi's hair and ruffled it, making his heart leap into his throat momentarily before it was over and Yamazaki-san was turning around, standing under the open door. "See you, 8."

Quickly recomposing himself, Shinpachi grinned and waved. "See you, 9."

Exiting the love hotel with an unusually-optimistic smile, Yamazaki made it two steps outside before proceeding to trip and bump into a young woman in a pink kimono carrying a shopping bag on her way home.

* * *

"I'm back..." Shinpachi called out nervously as he slid the top-floor apartment door open, peeking inside to see if anyone was in. He'd knocked a few times now, but hadn't got any answer.

There they were, however - Gin-san and Kagura-chan were sitting in their usual places, reading Jump and watching TV, neither having noticed him in the slightest. Even Sadaharu was still fast asleep.

"Uh, guys...?" Shinpachi stepped inside and shut the door, but nobody even turned around. They were in their own bubble... He cleared his throat. "Guys..."

...But still, nothing.

" _Guys!_ "

Gin turned his head, and Shinpachi's eyes lit up in hope – only for him to watch the natural perm-head reach out and swat away a mosquito with his Jump, grumbling in annoyance when he failed to hit it.

 _It can't be..._

Defeated, Shinpachi dropped to his knees and shouted, "I knew it! You really did forget about me, didn't you? Or is it discrimination? You're still upset about what happened?! I thought you would put that all behind you and accept me back! Why do you have to be like..."

"What are you going on about?"

 _Gin-san...?_ Shinpachi looked up to see the natural perm bastard looking over at him, picking his nose. "We just didn't hear you at first. Right, Kagura?"

"Yup. We couldn't hear the annoying voice... of a kid who's back in eighth place where he belongs."

Sadistic grins shadowed both their faces.

But Shinpachi smiled, tears of happiness filling his eyes. "I'm glad... You guys are back to normal after all..." He got up, marching over and gathering the two into a hug, to their initial surprise. "I was worried..."

"Worried...?" Gin repeated, scratching his head and looking away as if he could shield himself from the sentimentality. "We're the ones who worried. Your sister said you were missing. Where were..."

Still beaming, Shinpachi then closed his eyes, almost in a spitting image of said sister. "And since it's my turn to cook tonight," He completely ignored the question, "nobody eats if they mention popularity polls. Understand...?" His grip on the others tightened and twisted.

"Y-Yeees..." They both grit back.

* * *

"Oi, Zaki... What happened to you?"

Yamazaki was lying on the floor, covered in bruises, both his legs sticking out at unnatural angles. "I ran... into a gorilla." He coughed, and blood flew out.

Hijikata's eyes narrowed. "I meant why you were late, and you're not in uniform, either. I was calling for you to get me some more cigarettes the entire morning. Seppuku for sloppy conduct."

"B...But Vice-Commander, both my legs are broken – n-no, _everything's_ broken, I crawled all the way here, I n-need medical attention-"

"You'll need medical attention if you don't do your errand right now!"

"I think...I'm already dead, so this time... I'm... not...worried..." Yamazaki promptly collapsed and passed out, his eyes going swirly.

Okita bent down beside Yamazaki and poked him with the end of his sword, 'inspecting' his condition. "He's barely conscious, Hijikata-san."

"Just slacking on the job as usual." Hijikata scoffed. "He even had time to waste at the zoo..."

"Eh..." Okita shrugged. "Serves him right for trying to become a main character. Oh, that reminds me." He stood back up, turning towards the door to leave.

"Oi, where are you going, Sougo?"

Ignoring Hijikata, Okita left the poor Jimi and the Shinsengumi headquarters, heading down the street to the bakery to check on the custom order he'd placed a little while ago.

The 'Congrats on the Sex' cake was probably ready by now.


End file.
